high school, and my artistic growth

I went to my high school for the first time in over a year today to drop off some pieces for the alumni show.

First of all, I was amazed at my ability to remember all the random back-roads ways to get to it.

Walking through the halls was really interesting for me. All the 'gallery' walls were empty and plain grey, which makes sense, since it's the summer and all. I had a random burst of pride, knowing that my high school was so very art-oriented and encouraging, when I could have went to a regular zoned school and not had the same opportunities to grow.

I think the reason I'm feeling so nostalgic at the moment also has to do with the episode of 'Work of Art' I watched today (from last week). The artists had to create a piece about their childhood and how they realized they would be artists, and they could only use childrens' art supplies. Most of them didn't do too great of a job, just going with 'childhood' and 'art', only 2 did anything with a real personal concept behind them. I was disappointed with Abdi's piece; I liked his first idea, but oh well. The show was taped months ago, it's not like I can change anything...

Anyway, it got me thinking about my own childhood and what might've lead to my decision to pursue art. And, distressingly, I couldn't really think of any moments that stood out to me. Even now, the best I can come up with is in nursery school when we had to paint a large cut out of an apple red or green, and I used both because I thought it was more realistic. And in second grade, on some sort of leaf-related assignment, I counted the number of purple leaves (along with green, yellow, orange, red, and brown) because I had seen purple leaves. Neither of those events are very monumental, and are certainly not related to my current artistic pursuits.

I think I only started to really develop my own interests and talents in high school. I spent those 4 years focusing mainly on photography, with some figurative painting and mixed media thrown in. I was all set to major in photography in college, until the crit for 'opposites'. I had done 2 large 3'x4' grids of paper cranes, one black and one white. Torie suggested I should look into majoring in crafts or fibers, since lately I had been doing those sorts of oddball pieces. And it just clicked in my head that yes, that's what I want to do.

Recently I've figured out what I would love to do, though my mind keeps telling me it'll never work out because this is the real world. I want to make sustainable fiber art. As in, made from natural materials, like well-treated animals and organic plants, as local as possible. I feel it's a good mix of my strong environmental habits and ideas with my artistic interests and tendencies. The problem I see, though, is the expense of wanting to do it. Buying natural materials is always more expensive than synthetic, and when you factor in local materials it gets harder to find and more expensive.

Even if I could affordably get my hands on natural materials, my brain keeps telling me art is not a reliable or smart career choice - fine art especially. And while this isn't exactly 'fine art' it's far from commercial art. I want to be making art for myself in a small studio, but that's not a very reliable way to live. My brain started yelling about health insurance and dentist appointments and paying bills and affording a car and then I just feel like settling for some hourly job to make ends meet, which will likely kill me inside.

As much as I want to, being a professional artist just seems so terribly hard to live on. Then again, my self confidence isn't very high, even when I know I make good art when I put my mind to it.

Today I contemplated taking orders for embroidered shoes. People seem to like the fun patterns most hi-top shoe companies offer, and there's a small market for hand painted shoes, so I think there would be a similarly small market for embroidered shoes as well. But then I get bogged down with how long it takes, and how painful it can be for my hands, and in the end I decide it's just not worth it.

I feel like now I'm ranting...

Maybe I just need to actually make all those recycled jean things I've been meaning to do, make a dozen sock creatures, and sell all that on the Etsy account I got but have only used to buy one shirt.

[no relevant art today. though I did read another amazing bit of 'General Relatively' that had me smiling goofily the whole time. and blue did a bit of art for it!]

antisocial girl strikes again!

Is it rude to invite myself places because I'm feeling terribly left out?

Because, through the wonders of FB, I find 2 of my best friends from middle/high school having 'Star Wars' funteimz. So, this is my passive-aggressive attempt to get invited.

It's just, it can't be entirely my fault no one tells me things or invites me places. I know I'm not exactly forthcoming about my own plans, mainly because my life consists of work and sitting at home online. If I showed more interest in going out and doing things, maybe I'd get invited more places. But these friends should know I'm stupidly quiet and just... I'm sad.

Then again, with another whirlwind tour of Richmond tomorrow, I'm not sure going out and having fun is a good idea. I get to spend a grand total of 8-9 hours on a Greyhound bus tomorrow, all to finally sign my lease. It's not gonna be fun, but I'm getting Buz & Ned's when I get in for lunch, and the campus library will be open so I can just hang out there while waiting. Which is still really lame.

And now I'm thinking: I was a lot more outgoing in middle school. As awesome as Carver was, something about it seems to have made me cripplingly quiet. Yeah, definitely channeling Canada here... Yasha is the only non-family person to remember on a mostly regular basis. Maybe in another year or so I'll be used to being forgotten and it won't bother me as much.

I need to stop the angst-fest.

Postive things: I was productive yesterday! I made my dentist and eye appointments, dyed my hair and made dinner.

Unrelated: I'm contemplating getting one of those pill organizers, what with all my self-medicating. The list right now: vitamin, Zyflamend, St Johns wort, Stress B & C + iron, iron, melatonin. And I need to add greens to that. This is what comes from working in the wellness department...

will you indeed...

!tuo kool

IDK, man. 'Top Gear' ftw!

Moving is way too stressful. And I'm not even actually moving yet!

Monday is going to suck big time... I'm driving myself down to RVA in the morning to pack up everything I own. Everything. My room will be filled with boxes and furniture I can't disassemble. I'm hoping to get a good 9-10 hours down there working. I also need to pay my last month of rent, sign the new lease, and a couple other random and annoying things. You have no idea how happy I am to finally be 'moving out' of that place, even if I won't actually be moving till the end of the month. I'm way too excited for the new place.

Which, by the way, will have a sofa as of tomorrow. Horray furniture!

In other news, Thursday was epically busy. I got up around 7 to do a major bike ride with Yasha. We rode the NCR Trail from Paper Mill to Monkton, 13 miles total. I learned that my bike, being a mountain bike, isn't really meant to be sat upon for such long periods over such flat terrain. My butt still hurts.

That night was also The Inventory From Hell. Pro: free pizza. Con: everything else. I drank 2 bottles of delicious matè to stay awake. I didn't actually count as much as I was expecting, but it was still long and tedious and boring and I hope I never have to do it again. The eggplant on my pizza was pretty good though, for my first time eating it.

Random: I was basically a vegetarian on Thursday. I had a Poptart, a vegan turkey club sandwich, a toasted PBJ, and a slice of vegan pizza. The tempeh was surprisingly good, if incredibly overpowering on that sandwich. I don't want to think about what the 'turkey' was. Tofu just freaks me out.

Also, I spent 5 hours today checking and unpacking 51 boxes of products from UNFI. While suffering from cramps. But then I had a bison burger for dinner, the first burger of any kind I've had in years. Still bland, but slightly better than regular ground beef. I just love seafood too much, I guess.

I think I might have mild depression. Maybe. According to WebMD, I have some of the symptoms. For some reason the prospect doesn't bother me though. Then again, I'm not exactly dissatisfied with my existence, nor do I want to physically harm myself. I'm just terribly lazy, not very hungry, and apathetic towards nearly everything. Whatevs.

Also, more random: I came out, I guess, to Yasha a week or so ago. It just sorta came up, like, "So, what exactly are you, if you don't mind my asking?" "Oh, asexual." Yeah. Basically. And then on the bike ride we had a short conversation about me having sex and proceeding to tell him about it, while I'm thinking, 'Yeah, right, like that'll happen.' I don't even like putting in tampons, why would I be willing to have something else up there?

I need to update more often, or else every time I do I just end up spewing out tons and tons of random where one paragraph is almost never linked to the previous one. Seriously.

45 more minutes. Is it lame that I know how old America and Canada are? [234 and 143] Fucking Hetalia....