Sometimes, my asexuality feels like a secret shared by me and one of my exs. I feel like both of us kind of used the relationship to figure out how comfortable we were with couple-y things, and if it never went past a few kisses, that was fine. So when someone around us mentions something about 'hey, you'd tap that right?' or some such, we kinda glance at each other and go 'ehhh, suuure.'
And immediately following that nice and comfortable relationship, I was with a guy who was steadily going further, and I always felt detached from what he was doing to me. Sure, it felt kinda nice, but it never got me 'hot n bothered.' And when I was single again and could look back on it and think about how I felt all during it, I just figured it all out.
I have no idea where this is going. But sometimes I guess I just need to write these things out somewhere.
Showing posts with label asexual. Show all posts
Showing posts with label asexual. Show all posts
24 August 2010
03 July 2010
!tuo kool
IDK, man. 'Top Gear' ftw!
Moving is way too stressful. And I'm not even actually moving yet!
Monday is going to suck big time... I'm driving myself down to RVA in the morning to pack up everything I own. Everything. My room will be filled with boxes and furniture I can't disassemble. I'm hoping to get a good 9-10 hours down there working. I also need to pay my last month of rent, sign the new lease, and a couple other random and annoying things. You have no idea how happy I am to finally be 'moving out' of that place, even if I won't actually be moving till the end of the month. I'm way too excited for the new place.
Which, by the way, will have a sofa as of tomorrow. Horray furniture!
In other news, Thursday was epically busy. I got up around 7 to do a major bike ride with Yasha. We rode the NCR Trail from Paper Mill to Monkton, 13 miles total. I learned that my bike, being a mountain bike, isn't really meant to be sat upon for such long periods over such flat terrain. My butt still hurts.
That night was also The Inventory From Hell. Pro: free pizza. Con: everything else. I drank 2 bottles of delicious matè to stay awake. I didn't actually count as much as I was expecting, but it was still long and tedious and boring and I hope I never have to do it again. The eggplant on my pizza was pretty good though, for my first time eating it.
Random: I was basically a vegetarian on Thursday. I had a Poptart, a vegan turkey club sandwich, a toasted PBJ, and a slice of vegan pizza. The tempeh was surprisingly good, if incredibly overpowering on that sandwich. I don't want to think about what the 'turkey' was. Tofu just freaks me out.
Also, I spent 5 hours today checking and unpacking 51 boxes of products from UNFI. While suffering from cramps. But then I had a bison burger for dinner, the first burger of any kind I've had in years. Still bland, but slightly better than regular ground beef. I just love seafood too much, I guess.
I think I might have mild depression. Maybe. According to WebMD, I have some of the symptoms. For some reason the prospect doesn't bother me though. Then again, I'm not exactly dissatisfied with my existence, nor do I want to physically harm myself. I'm just terribly lazy, not very hungry, and apathetic towards nearly everything. Whatevs.
Also, more random: I came out, I guess, to Yasha a week or so ago. It just sorta came up, like, "So, what exactly are you, if you don't mind my asking?" "Oh, asexual." Yeah. Basically. And then on the bike ride we had a short conversation about me having sex and proceeding to tell him about it, while I'm thinking, 'Yeah, right, like that'll happen.' I don't even like putting in tampons, why would I be willing to have something else up there?
I need to update more often, or else every time I do I just end up spewing out tons and tons of random where one paragraph is almost never linked to the previous one. Seriously.
Moving is way too stressful. And I'm not even actually moving yet!
Monday is going to suck big time... I'm driving myself down to RVA in the morning to pack up everything I own. Everything. My room will be filled with boxes and furniture I can't disassemble. I'm hoping to get a good 9-10 hours down there working. I also need to pay my last month of rent, sign the new lease, and a couple other random and annoying things. You have no idea how happy I am to finally be 'moving out' of that place, even if I won't actually be moving till the end of the month. I'm way too excited for the new place.
Which, by the way, will have a sofa as of tomorrow. Horray furniture!
In other news, Thursday was epically busy. I got up around 7 to do a major bike ride with Yasha. We rode the NCR Trail from Paper Mill to Monkton, 13 miles total. I learned that my bike, being a mountain bike, isn't really meant to be sat upon for such long periods over such flat terrain. My butt still hurts.
That night was also The Inventory From Hell. Pro: free pizza. Con: everything else. I drank 2 bottles of delicious matè to stay awake. I didn't actually count as much as I was expecting, but it was still long and tedious and boring and I hope I never have to do it again. The eggplant on my pizza was pretty good though, for my first time eating it.
Random: I was basically a vegetarian on Thursday. I had a Poptart, a vegan turkey club sandwich, a toasted PBJ, and a slice of vegan pizza. The tempeh was surprisingly good, if incredibly overpowering on that sandwich. I don't want to think about what the 'turkey' was. Tofu just freaks me out.
Also, I spent 5 hours today checking and unpacking 51 boxes of products from UNFI. While suffering from cramps. But then I had a bison burger for dinner, the first burger of any kind I've had in years. Still bland, but slightly better than regular ground beef. I just love seafood too much, I guess.
I think I might have mild depression. Maybe. According to WebMD, I have some of the symptoms. For some reason the prospect doesn't bother me though. Then again, I'm not exactly dissatisfied with my existence, nor do I want to physically harm myself. I'm just terribly lazy, not very hungry, and apathetic towards nearly everything. Whatevs.
Also, more random: I came out, I guess, to Yasha a week or so ago. It just sorta came up, like, "So, what exactly are you, if you don't mind my asking?" "Oh, asexual." Yeah. Basically. And then on the bike ride we had a short conversation about me having sex and proceeding to tell him about it, while I'm thinking, 'Yeah, right, like that'll happen.' I don't even like putting in tampons, why would I be willing to have something else up there?
I need to update more often, or else every time I do I just end up spewing out tons and tons of random where one paragraph is almost never linked to the previous one. Seriously.
45 more minutes. Is it lame that I know how old America and Canada are? [234 and 143] Fucking Hetalia....
12 January 2010
i found this on dA...
You win backstage passes to meet the Jonas Brothers, you....?
mail the tickets to my cousin...
You've locked yourself outside and no-one will be home for a few hours you:
call yasha and see what he's doing
You wake up, all your hair is gone, your first reaction?
HOLYSHITWHATTHEFUCK!! well, now i know what i look like...
Have you ever kicked a wall, door, etc.?
totally
What are you wearing?
clothes. several layers of them cuz it's freezing outside
What are you excited for?
SATURDAY AND THE RETURN TO RVA!
Do you like to cuddle and snuggle?
quite
Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex?
see: yasha [that's a yes...]
Who was the last person you went out to eat with?
mother
Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
yeah
Do you want your tongue pierced?
NO
Are you listening to music right now?
that i am. my itunes is getting really huge...
Are you wearing makeup?
yeah
Do you tend to waste a lot of your money?
i used to kinda, but i'm working on not
Do you find smoking unattractive?
depends on the person
Where is the person you miss the most right now?
i don't really miss a person... i miss a place...
Your parents split; would you want to live with your mom or dad?
i'd probably spend more time with my dad, but i'd figure out how to live on my own since i'm almost 20
Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
probably, though i think he's mostly gotten over it by now [it's been almost 5 months, get over it...]
Were you happy when you woke up this morning?
psh, as if. i was angry at myself for not going to bed earlier...
Does anyone like you at the moment?
possibly? idk... if he pursues me, i'm denying him straight up. though i doubt he will...
What would you say if someone told you they were in love with your brother?
"really? ooooook..."
Two days from now this time, where will you be?
probably the same place i am now: on my bed online...
What's the worst thing to happen to you today?
i woke up. not to say the whole day was bad, just the fact that i had to wake up was bad.
Is there a certain person that makes you feel safe?
most of the time, he does. and sometimes he calls me to say he's coming to get me so we can do donuts in the snowy/icey deserted mall parking lot. and then i freak out a bit. [see pic at end]
Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
nope, i don't really hate
Do you hate the last girl you were text messaging?
nope
What was on your mind mostly today?
"wow, i was an idiot for staying up that late last night..."
Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
hardly.... mainly the horizontal ones like ^_^
Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot?
yeah
Are you wasting your time on someone?
nope
Have you told anybody you loved them today?
don't think so
Have you kissed anyone in the past 2 days?
nope. though i was bitten and licked last night... not like that!
Who was the last person you took a picture with?
uhhh..... i was next to yasha when i took my last picture, but neither of us were in said picture...
Will tomorrow be better than today?
possibly
Do you hate when people smoke around you?
only if the smoke is blowing in my face and that's all i'm breathing...
Think a lot before you fall asleep?
lately i've been so dead that i don't. but i sometimes have that problem
Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy?
i don't think so. because even my bestest friends have their moments. wait. i think anna would be nothing but fun, even with her diabetes
Is your hair up or down right now?
down
Do you like hugs and kisses?
hugs: yes; kisses: depends
Think back to September were you in a relationship?
nope, had just gotten out of one
Do you feel like you have life figured out?
nope
How's your heart right now?
good, why?
Do you ever bite your lip?
sometimes, i guess. cuz i like the pain of it. seriously. and then it gets too chapped so i put chapstick on.
Do you think two people can last forever?
if they have a balance, yeah
Where do you go when you want to be alone?
my room
Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
yep
So, what if you married and had kids with the last person you kissed?
i don't even remember who that is...
Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
rva... god, i'm so ready to go back...
What is your current annoyance?
stupid early work hours...
Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a C?
yep. first and last name
Are you a bad influence?
psh
Do you get called baby, babe, or honey most?
hun, actaully
When did you last cry?
saturday night. i flipped out.
Do you have a favorite number?
69. heh. i blame laura.
Do you bite your nails?
nope, i tend to grow them out. though it's hard with my major...
If you could spend more time with someone you used to be very close with, would you?
probably
When will your next kiss be?
no clue
What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
stocking...
---
i was gonna say something here, but i totally forgot...
but i just remembered something else! i read a fill last night about Canada being asexual and the other nations trying to get into his pants... but that's not important. what was important was the website resources linked at the end. and it made me feel so much better about my own asexual-ness. because that's pretty much what i am.
sex itself hold no interest for me. i have no real desire to participate in it. which i'm sure is part of the reason christian didn't work out: i know he wanted to have sex with me, though he never went out and said it. but i really didn't. not just cuz it was him, but in general. and it only ever bothered me 3 times that i can recall: telling bri about how i'd never done anything beyond kissing with emily, telling jenny the same thing, and being with christian in general. and when yasha gets it in his head that i need to hook up with someone [generally of the female persuasion, which would probably be preferable anyway].
the site
and it's not that reading that fill and finding that site made me realize and put into words that i'm asexual. i figured that out a while ago, back when i was with emily. but that site helped me understand what it means specifically and figure out 'to what degree' i guess. cuz i do masturbate. gosh it feels weird to admit that someplace people i know can find...
anyway, the promised pic from the meme:
so perfect!
mail the tickets to my cousin...
You've locked yourself outside and no-one will be home for a few hours you:
call yasha and see what he's doing
You wake up, all your hair is gone, your first reaction?
HOLYSHITWHATTHEFUCK!! well, now i know what i look like...
Have you ever kicked a wall, door, etc.?
totally
What are you wearing?
clothes. several layers of them cuz it's freezing outside
What are you excited for?
SATURDAY AND THE RETURN TO RVA!
Do you like to cuddle and snuggle?
quite
Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex?
see: yasha [that's a yes...]
Who was the last person you went out to eat with?
mother
Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
yeah
Do you want your tongue pierced?
NO
Are you listening to music right now?
that i am. my itunes is getting really huge...
Are you wearing makeup?
yeah
Do you tend to waste a lot of your money?
i used to kinda, but i'm working on not
Do you find smoking unattractive?
depends on the person
Where is the person you miss the most right now?
i don't really miss a person... i miss a place...
Your parents split; would you want to live with your mom or dad?
i'd probably spend more time with my dad, but i'd figure out how to live on my own since i'm almost 20
Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
probably, though i think he's mostly gotten over it by now [it's been almost 5 months, get over it...]
Were you happy when you woke up this morning?
psh, as if. i was angry at myself for not going to bed earlier...
Does anyone like you at the moment?
possibly? idk... if he pursues me, i'm denying him straight up. though i doubt he will...
What would you say if someone told you they were in love with your brother?
"really? ooooook..."
Two days from now this time, where will you be?
probably the same place i am now: on my bed online...
What's the worst thing to happen to you today?
i woke up. not to say the whole day was bad, just the fact that i had to wake up was bad.
Is there a certain person that makes you feel safe?
most of the time, he does. and sometimes he calls me to say he's coming to get me so we can do donuts in the snowy/icey deserted mall parking lot. and then i freak out a bit. [see pic at end]
Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
nope, i don't really hate
Do you hate the last girl you were text messaging?
nope
What was on your mind mostly today?
"wow, i was an idiot for staying up that late last night..."
Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
hardly.... mainly the horizontal ones like ^_^
Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot?
yeah
Are you wasting your time on someone?
nope
Have you told anybody you loved them today?
don't think so
Have you kissed anyone in the past 2 days?
nope. though i was bitten and licked last night... not like that!
Who was the last person you took a picture with?
uhhh..... i was next to yasha when i took my last picture, but neither of us were in said picture...
Will tomorrow be better than today?
possibly
Do you hate when people smoke around you?
only if the smoke is blowing in my face and that's all i'm breathing...
Think a lot before you fall asleep?
lately i've been so dead that i don't. but i sometimes have that problem
Is there someone who you can spend every minute with and be happy?
i don't think so. because even my bestest friends have their moments. wait. i think anna would be nothing but fun, even with her diabetes
Is your hair up or down right now?
down
Do you like hugs and kisses?
hugs: yes; kisses: depends
Think back to September were you in a relationship?
nope, had just gotten out of one
Do you feel like you have life figured out?
nope
How's your heart right now?
good, why?
Do you ever bite your lip?
sometimes, i guess. cuz i like the pain of it. seriously. and then it gets too chapped so i put chapstick on.
Do you think two people can last forever?
if they have a balance, yeah
Where do you go when you want to be alone?
my room
Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
yep
So, what if you married and had kids with the last person you kissed?
i don't even remember who that is...
Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
rva... god, i'm so ready to go back...
What is your current annoyance?
stupid early work hours...
Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a C?
yep. first and last name
Are you a bad influence?
psh
Do you get called baby, babe, or honey most?
hun, actaully
When did you last cry?
saturday night. i flipped out.
Do you have a favorite number?
69. heh. i blame laura.
Do you bite your nails?
nope, i tend to grow them out. though it's hard with my major...
If you could spend more time with someone you used to be very close with, would you?
probably
When will your next kiss be?
no clue
What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
stocking...
---
i was gonna say something here, but i totally forgot...
but i just remembered something else! i read a fill last night about Canada being asexual and the other nations trying to get into his pants... but that's not important. what was important was the website resources linked at the end. and it made me feel so much better about my own asexual-ness. because that's pretty much what i am.
sex itself hold no interest for me. i have no real desire to participate in it. which i'm sure is part of the reason christian didn't work out: i know he wanted to have sex with me, though he never went out and said it. but i really didn't. not just cuz it was him, but in general. and it only ever bothered me 3 times that i can recall: telling bri about how i'd never done anything beyond kissing with emily, telling jenny the same thing, and being with christian in general. and when yasha gets it in his head that i need to hook up with someone [generally of the female persuasion, which would probably be preferable anyway].
the site
and it's not that reading that fill and finding that site made me realize and put into words that i'm asexual. i figured that out a while ago, back when i was with emily. but that site helped me understand what it means specifically and figure out 'to what degree' i guess. cuz i do masturbate. gosh it feels weird to admit that someplace people i know can find...
anyway, the promised pic from the meme:
so perfect!
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