music fiend!

lately i've been more actively thinking about my attempts at making an fst. i've been sorta collecting random songs from "my music" [as in, not from any other fst's] for the past month or two, and i've noticed a slight pattern to them: they're either indie or classic rock.

so my new goal is to create 2, with those as guidelines. i've got a fair list going in total:

"Skipping Hearts" MR RUSSIA [belarus]
"Stuck on Repeat" Little Boots [pre-revolution]
"shoulders" 13ghosts [canada]
"Billy Brown" Mika [england, due to a fic...]
"One Week" Barenaked Ladies [2 nations fighting]
"The Boys Are Too Refined" the Hush Sound [girls]
"Wine In the Afternoon" Franz Ferdinand [drunk arthur]
"Lumberjack Song" Monty Python [canada]
"Where Did Our Love Go" the supremes [post-revolution]
"Backstabber" dresden dolls [angry!revolutionary!england]
"Womanizer" franz ferdinand [france]
"Let Me In" siriusmo [belarus]
"Le Disko" Shiny Toy Guns [all the girls]
"Magazine" millimeters mercury [america]
"fortunate Son" CCR [america]
"Brand New Day" NPH [cold war america]
"We Didn't Start the Fire" Billy Joel [everyone]
"Angel of Mercy" Shy Child [everyone]
"When I Was a Boy" The How [colonial!america]
"Ballroom Blitz" Sweet [meetings]
"Legend of Zelda Theme" System of a Down [america]
"Changes (Borderline Remix)" Tahiti 80 [prussia]
"Fashion" Rogue Traders [poland]
"Filthy/Gorgeous" Scissor Sisters [poland]
"Farm Land" The Never [austria & hungary]
"Guitar vs Piano" Gokusan [prussia & austria]
"Let's Go To The Mall" Robin Sparkles [temporarily-canadian-poland]
"Letter From God to Man" Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip [everyone sorta]

i have a feeling the indie one is going to work out better [and faster] so i started actively looking for songs by little-known artists. which reminded me that i should really check out 3hive again...

as far as the indie one goes i've got:

"Skipping Hearts" MR RUSSIA [belarus]
"Stuck on Repeat" Little Boots [pre-revolution]
"shoulders" 13ghosts [canada]
"The Boys Are Too Refined" the Hush Sound [girls]
"Wine In the Afternoon" Franz Ferdinand [drunk arthur]
"Womanizer" franz ferdinand [france]
"Let Me In" siriusmo [belarus]
"Le Disko" Shiny Toy Guns [all the girls]
"Magazine" millimeters mercury [america]
"Brand New Day" NPH [cold war america]
"Angel of Mercy" Shy Child [everyone]
"When I Was a Boy" The How [colonial!america]
"Changes (Borderline Remix)" Tahiti 80 [prussia]
"Fashion" Rogue Traders [poland]
"Farm Land" The Never [austria & hungary]
"Guitar vs Piano" Gokusan [prussia & austria]
"Let's Go To The Mall" Robin Sparkles [temporarily-canadian-poland]
"Letter From God to Man" Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip [everyone sorta]

with "Legend of Zelda Theme" System of a Down [america] as a bonus.

i'm still determined to find at least one t&s song that fits somewhere. i can't use "come on" because i found that one in a liet/pol one. but i can't figure out how to make the song i really want to work ["feel you in my bones"].

i decided that for a cover i was going to futz with a photo i had. so i surfed my belle isle album for things that would be ambiguous and clever and 'indie' and edited them in picnik.



9 so far. multiples of some. once i figure out the specific songs and how to zip/rar the folder up and such, i can title it and add the title to one of the images.

in other news, yasha turned 20 today. scary. he was going to celebrate at bourbon street, and something about me needing a dress and getting me hooked up with some chick... idk. but anyway, that fell through and instead he's having a get together tomorrow afternoon at his house. i think that's much better, especially considering my recent revelation.

thing is, christian is going to be there.

and i haven't seen or talked to him since we broke up in august.

yasha says he says he's fine with it, and i hope so. i know i'm going to be awkward for a bit because i just am. but i really do want him to be okay with it, because i still feel bad about the whole thing. mainly because of my recent revelation. i finally figured out why specifically i was uncomfortable with it, aside from him being in love with me and me not. well, the two are connected.

so yeah, i'm nervous about it. i want it to work out. i don't want to ruin yasha's party with our issues. i'm hoping i get there before he does, or at least that we don't get there at the same time...

today was my last day of work. it was a pretty good day, considering it was also payday. yayy! my before-tax total was $666, which i laughed at, but i got $615 out of it - even with my exemptions. stupid medicare and social security... but in addition to that i ended up winning My Oh My and a $25 gift card. My Oh My is basically all the department heads getting together and deciding which employee was the most involved and helpful and all around best for the week. i'm slightly surprised i won, but not really. i wasn't even aware of how the winner was picked until mom told me. i know ellie and dan had been very glad i was there. i really helped wellness get things straightened and able to hire a 'real' employee. i did the grunt stocking work to the regular people could focus on the customers and the busy work. it was hard - my back was not very forgiving - but it worked out well.

and i added to my repertoire of skills at MOMs.

i spent my $25 on some omega-dha pills to help with my add, a delicious chocolate protein drink [mmm odwalla] and an amazing raspberry blood orange. god, that's my new favorite fruit. it wasn't as sour as oranges [and especially blood oranges] are, and you could taste the raspberry right at the end. amazing. i might have to get mom to stop by saturday when we go back to rva so i can grab 6 and bring them back with me. i know ces wants to try one.

anyway, i think i'm going to go to bed now.

oh! i just remembered an awesome thing i discovered about vista yesterday. when i have 4 firfox windows and 8 apps open in my bottom bar and vista compresses the 4 firefox tabs into one, i can right click it and tell it to display all stacked. and then i've got all 4 in quadrants in my screen. they're tiny, but that's okay. when i need to access one i just fullsize it.

and i found the most amazing fill ever on the kink meme. the prompt was something about canada being killed by a serial killer and how being a nation plays into that and the awesome twin-ness between him and america. and at first i thought it was going to be dark and depressing - actually it totally is for the first 20 or so parts - and i didn't want to read it. but then i did and it's fantastic. it really is. even though it is depressing and crazy and it just doesn't matter. it's over here.

okay, bed for real now.

done and done

i think i might've made him cry... not in front of me, but he looked like he might.

i feel kinda bad, but at the same time kinda relieved.

he couldn't really believe it. i feel bad, i really do. but now that it's done, my eyebrows are starting to unknit from my guilty/unhappy face. i'm not relaxed, that's for sure.

it needed to be done. i couldn't keep leading him on. i felt like i was faking most of the time, and that really isn't fair to him.

i'll continue to feel bad for a few days. but i think it really was all for the best.

second thoughts...

so, this brief camping thing was eye-opening for me. for the first time in quite awhile, christian and i were truly apart... because of the sucky cell service. and i hardly thought about him.

now, with the impending separation, i'm thinking about 'us'. i know that his feelings for me greatly exceed mine for him. i'm half convinced he's thoroughly in love with me. and i don't know what to do with that, but that's not really the point right now.

basically, i'm contemplating breaking up.

when he started texting me today, i was annoyed by it. did i so quickly get used to my phone not constantly receiving messages? but i wanted to be left alone.

i don't think i can ever return his feelings equally. i enjoyed this summer, but something in me wants this to stay a summer thing. and i know that will break his heart. i don't really do 'long term' anything. i think the main reason i lasted so long with emily is because we were so far apart it didn't feel like we were together, and as time went neither of us put much effort in. i know that with him, continueing this over the school year will turn into a chore. i'm going to be swamped with school work, and i'm looking for a job, and i have a feeling i'll have very little time for him. i'm already iffy about making time for him, prefering to be at home doing what i want than with him.

which shows just how much i feel for him right there...

i don't want to hurt him, and that's the main reason i'm reluctant to end this. but i can't please everyone. it's a really bad habit of mine, that i try so hard to make everyone happy. because it just doesn't work.

i need to end this before it gets more serious. i feel like i've grown with this, but i... just don't know. he's clingy, and i'm starting to really not like that. he's pushing the physical too... and it's just gotten to the point where i'm at the edge of my comfort level. i'm terrified of it progressing further, and i have no idea why.

he's clingy, and he said it himself, like a dog. the affection is nice and all, but i'm feeling a bit suffocated.

i just talked to jo a bit, and she helped me make up my mind. i have to do it, before it gets too out of hand and then i leave. i'm seeing him later tonight. i have to do it. i'm already nervous and terrified.

it's going to crush him. and i'm going to feel horrible.

but i have to do it.

even if i'm just running away.

otakon 2009: day 0

sooooooooo this is gonna be an awesome weekend. i just know it.

today, while not really the first day, was still an important day. firstly, and completely unrelated, i successfully cut and wrapped cheese with only one thumb. go me! and then i got paid. HORRAYYYY!!

anyway...

i left work at about 7:15 and drove all the way back to owings mills to pick yasha up. we were getting our passes early, you see. then we continued to his mom's house because he finally had his full license and needed to get the paper to prove it. and then we went to the city. i successfully didn't crash or almost crash while driving in the city! we parked and got to the line a little after 9. we then proceeded to walk around nearly the entire building just to find the end. BUT THEN we saw a few people yasha knew from ccbc, so we jumped in with them. even though we passed another guy he knew and they even hugged. but no, we just kept walking. dummy...

anywayy....

so we waited and waited and waited for a little over an hour. we met a black naruto [from the shippuden series] who was pretty cool. he already had his pass and was just walking with us. there was also a guy on those rabbit extendo-legs. no idea how he got up the stairs on those. very carefully, i'd imagine. we get inside and to the booths. AND THE FIRST CHOICE FOR BADGES IS HOST CLUB!! so i had to get that one. duh.

so we're done. walk back to the car, pay the parking [i now owe yasha $8 cuz i had no cash...], and spend, like, half an hour trying to get out of the city. part of charles and some other street were closed for road work, so it took a while to navigate around them. but eventually we did. oh, and my phone died just before we reached the boothes.

so i drive yasha home, and then i go home. exciting. and i laid out my clothes and packed my bag. it certainly is convenient, getting my badge on thursday. now i don't have to plan more time for waiting.

i'm getting up at 7:30 for a shower, and getting picked up a little before 9. cuz i have to hit the bank as soon as it opens to deposit my paycheck so i can actually buy stuff. $100 cash, $100 into savings, and the rest into checking. i'll have about $450 to spend between my card and the cash. i think that'll be pleeeenty, considering i don't really buy much. but i have to get a cute shirt. i have to.

if all goes well we'll be at the con around 10, allowing for traffic and parking. we're meeting up with hindle there, and at some point with jo and her bro. and we're gonna sneak christian in for free.

IT'S GONNA BE AWESOMEEEEEEE!!!!!

why is he so intense?

sometimes, this relationship is so nice and awesome. most of the time it is. but sometimes he freaks me out emotionally.... because i can tell he's way more into this than i seem to be. i am not pretty much convinced that he loves me, like for real-for real. and me... i can't really be sure. he's really awesome and i really like him, but i have trouble with real attachments. and i'm always afraid things will progress so far that sex becomes an option and i am really not ready for that at all. i'm terrified.

this is the most intense relationship i've been in. well, really it's the first real relationship i've been in. jay barely counts [sad to say], emily was really just comforting and safe. it fascinates me and terrifies me, the depth of his feelings for me, and i feel like i can't really return them. i want to try, i enjoy it all, but i honestly don't feel for him in the same way.

that sounds like i should break up with him.... and i don't want to. mainly because i know it'll really hurt him and we've really only been together for a couple weeks.

god, why do relationships have to be so hard?!

sometimes i'm just a little too into myself...

for some odd reason i spent today having random thoughts about how to turn the events into a book. like, what i would say to describe feelings and surroundings and such.

i was washing the cheese dishes and thinking about how to describe my build, since i have practically no fat... but i'm not really strong...

i talk to myself when i'm driving to and from work and listening to my ipod. random comments about the songs...

and just now, while texting christian:
him: but i like it [a pic i sent of me] : ) and they said ur cute. but i think ur gorgeous
me: ^_^ yea, everyone says im cute...
here, i finished the text in my head with, 'but you're the first to say i'm gorgeous.'

yeah, i'm a really freaky person. and i just realized that this blog is just serving to magnify my egotism, cuz i know no one reads this except occasionally yasha when he remembers it's here...

he says the sweetest things

the last half of tonight's conversation...

him: hehe. i hate to ask but ur name is spelled eleanor? right
me: yea. a lot of people get it wrong so congrats
him: yay! well hey many ppl get christian wrong...
me: how? that makes no sense...
him: honestly no idea... and the funny thing is most were catholic
me: wtf? whoa...
him: yerp haha ppl arent too bright. thank god for u haha
me: lol yea. go not-average names!
him: haha plus ur smart so which is good
me: ^_^
him: i like smart girls especially ones that are cute and named eleanor
me: cuz we'r th best
him: i think ur the only one love hehe
him: or at least the only eleanor i kno thats cute. smart and has my attention :D
me: good! i might be worried otherwise lol
him: but the best thing about u is how sweet u are
me: aww thanks ^_^
him: i dont think there are others like eleanor fisher :)
me: im juz that special lol
him: i really do mean it though
me: thanks ^_^
him: ur welcome sweetheart. like id really like to tell u this in person but i honestly never really enjoyed being w a girl like i do with you
me: thanks ^_^
him: i just wanted u to kno lovely
me: ^_^
him:jw what do u really feel for me?
me: i dont really kno yet. i really like u and spending time w u. i can tell this is gonna go somewhere, which is a nice change from my last 2 relationships which hit plateus fairly quickly. im excited for everything that can happen
him: aww i actually went through crap just like that. that really did upset me but i really do trust you that u wont do anything like they did. i would like this to go somewhere too. bc i kno having you would make my life great
me: yeah i feel happier in general lately and im pretty sure u did that
him: aww im glad i make u happy but u should be happy all the time love
him: but ill do what ever i can to see u smile
me: it doesnt take much i keep smiling juz reading what u say
him: aw good :) i tend to be a very sweet guy so i mean u might get tired of all the sweet stuff i say to u bc i might be too much haha
me: well right now im not complaining
him: aww but who knos u just might haha
me: maybe... ehh whatevs
him: haha i hope i dont
me: me too
him: oh
me: ?
him: haha nothing lovely
me: ook
him: mmm hmmm. i just want u to be happy :D i remember how excited i was when i first met u
me: really? woww
him: mmm hmmm. haha i remember thinking dang yasha has a cute gf then when i found out u 2 werent dating i was like OOOOH really?
me: lol everyone assumes we'r dating its ridiculus
him: haha. then u sat on my lap when were outside by the fire... u kept me warmer than the fire did
me: apparently im a furnace lol
him: ur really warm like no joke. i love it. haha then u got up and i was cold then eventually it was time to go. and im pretty sure i got ur num from yasha bc i didnt get a chance to ask. then i started talking to u and then i found out u had a gf and i was bummed bc i was really into you... though we just met butttt! yea haha then i didnt really try anything bc that would be mean and probably wouldnt have worked
me: but now it totally can so no worries
him: hehehe yes! and i remember whenever u came around here and there i really did get excited to see u. ha more excited than to see yasha. even when i knew u were goin to beaus pool party. i was pumped to see u that night bc i missed you
me: i was really excited when i heard ud b there too
him: aw :P even though i showed up late haha but i did enjoy laying on the hamock. even though i completely talked about pointless crap haha idk why i did
him: also when u came to panera that night u made that night so much better haha. oh and that black guy that served u tom. he said to me that we would make a cute couple haha
me: i juz got those... and everyone keeps saying that
him: well its not going through but ill let u get to sleep lovely. sweet dreams
me: gnight then

mmmmmmmmm

sooooooo, i guess i'm no longer single...

behold the power of texting!

him: may i ask u a question dear
me: sure
him: what do u think of me? bc well theres more than just that i mean its obvious that we like each other or idk how to put it like... would u want to date me or be in a relationship. idk how to explain like what do u feel? haha
me: yea i like u. us really fun and i like hanging out w u. i would like to date u
him: wow u just made that sound alot easier than i did haha. and im not trying to ask u out in a txt bc that would be pathetic. but i would love to be in a relationship w u. i have had a thing for u for a while too
me: i noticed lol ^_^

and so right now he's complimenting me on how non-normal i am in all the good ways.

and while this is awesome, i'm slightly distressed that i have this über need to tell everything to yasha. i keep thinking, 'man, i need to tell him right now!' but i'm sure he's sleeping and i'm too nice to wake him up with news of my love life. so i inboxed him instead. and i'm counting that as telling someone.

for some reason this doesn't, because i'm not sure if anyone actually reads this. which is why i candidly talk about all this stuff.

anyway...

i've got an eye appointment in the morning. i'm not particularly looking forward to it. i know he's gonna put eye drops in and shine bright lights in my eye to check its healing. and then i go to work. horray...

ETA:
ah ha, the tags say 'christian dating yasha.' that would be hilarious. and now we can go on double dates!