people!

yasha has recently been hanging out with another russian guy, stan. i got to hang with them some last weekend when i went home, and he's pretty cool.

and i'm half convinced he's flirting. i have no idea, really. maybe i'm just hopeful? that might be weird... i'm hardly in touch with my deeper emotions at all, which is why i find it hard to be in a meaningful relationship. i'm really starting to think i won't ever "fall in love" enough to want marriage [or the equivalent if it's a girl]. honestly, i really enjoyed what emily and i had. though i guess that was just friendship with the pretense of a relationship... idk.

now that i remember it, yasha's "plan for our future" is starting to look like what might happen. as in, we'll eventually hook up and adopt some russian kid and he'll teach me russian and it'll be awesome or something. idk...

if i am crushing on stan, i think it would be best in the long run to ignore it. because i don't want something like with christian happening again. though from what little i know of stan, he seems much more easy-going, and more likely to be open/able to still be friends after the fact.

why do i stress myself with these thoughts?

yasha told me that jo wanted to come down with him for the zombie walk in a couple weeks. honestly, i'm not too fond of her right now. i think i'm feeling hurt and unhappy with her on yasha's part, cuz he certainly isn't... and i just don't want to deal with her. she's... yeah. so, no i don't want her to come down for that, and because i don't want to deal with 2 extra people in the house - 2 extra people in my room. if we had a sofa, it might be okay. but since they'd be attached to me they'd have to sleep in my room.

also related to the zombie walk: i feel the need to share somewhere that october 24 is also united nations day, or unofficial hetalia day. and so fans all over the world are planning little get-together-picnic-cosplay-fun-times. there's one in dc and one west of here in martinsville or something... but i have a strange need to comment on one of those closer ones that i'd like to go to one, but i'll instead be wandering around carytown in richmond as a zombie. if i had some cosplay available to me, i might dress up as a zombie nation [prolly casual canada, cuz then i'd just need a red sweatshirt and i'd be set], but that's too much work and i'd feel like an über nerd... so, regular zombie for me! i'll prolly end up with the same pants as last year, since they're already stained...

i'll need to get some more paint...

classes!
textiles is turning super easy right now. we're doing several types of weaving with now [tapestry, coil basketry, twining] and they're all so mindlessly repetitive that i can just go go go and get it done ridiculously fast. also, these activities are successfully distracting me from my terribly horribly crippling hetalia addiction/obsession. which is good! because it really is unhealthy...

jewelry is going ok. we're making tension-fit containers. mine is a little box with a sand dollar for a lid. sheal gave me some porcelain to make it, but i have to work my little thing into the kiln schedule so that it's done in time for our crit, and honestly i don't want to deal with that. because i'm lazy. so i got some sculpy and am gonna make at least 2 shells with that [just to be sure]. but i still need to get some pearls for the feet and lid-handle thing before i can solder my already made pieces together - i need to drill the rivet holes for the feet before i bend the midsection, and i can't do that until i know how big a hole i need to drill, which comes from the holes in the pearls.

grr...

i believe i'm managing to pull myself up in biology. i got some caffeine pills, and today was day 3 with them, and i've taken about 3 times as much notes as before. horray!!

HOLY CRAP TODAY THE PRESALE STARTED FOR TEGAN AND SARA'S NEW TOUR AND THEY'RE COMING TO THE NATIONALLLLL!!! so i was sitting in the library with my laptop, and it was 10, so i went and got my ticket. because i'm excited. i spent $40, and i hope the presale price is less than the regular price.

i am in such deep shit as far as my personal finances go... i desperately need a job. angela strong-armed me [sort of] into doing comic-con, and i finally got my ticket. i'm secretly sure i'll never be able to afford it, since the parents are letting me go as long as i can pay for it all. we'll see if i have any hope by the time the hotel deals open... i might stand a chance if i had a job or something... i dipped under $1000 last week... i'm now down to a little over $800 and i'm crazy depressed. i have errands to run tomorrow [reading days hell yeahhh] and i'm going to be using the master card because i have no hope of paying otherwise. i really need to crack down on my spending, like no joke.

[wow, this is ridiculously stream-of-consciousness...]

november 4 is the wolfmother concert at 9:30 club. i got my greyhound tickets, which came to about $38 total because of how far in advance i got them and the fact that i finally got that student advantage card. my own money, since i'll be sneaking around for this. i'm waiting till the week before to tell nate [bio lab man] that i will likely be late on the 5th, and if i get in too late can i go to his noon lab? shouldn't be a problem, but i'm hoping that won't happen. my bus is scheduled to get in at 9:25 that morning. class is at 10. from the station i catch the city bus around 9:45 back to campus, and i'll be about 10 minutes late. so i'll miss the quiz. that is all assuming the greyhound is on time, which is unlikely considering the time [morning rush hour and all that].

and lastly, today. continued horrible shower problems. the hot water tap decided, after a short bout of sputtering, to not dispense anything, no matter how far you turned it. i was getting really pissed cuz i really really needed a shower, and didn't really have the time to wait for liz to get back to me about possibly borrowing hers. so i filled the bucket we have in the kitchen with nice warm water and took it up to the tub. and i squatted in the tub, soaping myself and rinsing with that bucket water and a cup. it worked fairly well, and reminded me of japanese baths [the traditional kind, where you wash yourself first from a bucket and then soak in a nice hot tub]. i'm not sure if a repeat will happen, and i'm not sure if i want it to or not. on the one hand, it was kinda fun, if cold [because our house is cold]. on the other, it was sorta fun, and would likely have been more fun if i wasn't rushing and angry. but it was okay. i just hate our stupid ancient shower.

well, i need dinner. i think i'll make swedish meatballs! yum~

[gosh, so many tags!]

second thoughts...

so, this brief camping thing was eye-opening for me. for the first time in quite awhile, christian and i were truly apart... because of the sucky cell service. and i hardly thought about him.

now, with the impending separation, i'm thinking about 'us'. i know that his feelings for me greatly exceed mine for him. i'm half convinced he's thoroughly in love with me. and i don't know what to do with that, but that's not really the point right now.

basically, i'm contemplating breaking up.

when he started texting me today, i was annoyed by it. did i so quickly get used to my phone not constantly receiving messages? but i wanted to be left alone.

i don't think i can ever return his feelings equally. i enjoyed this summer, but something in me wants this to stay a summer thing. and i know that will break his heart. i don't really do 'long term' anything. i think the main reason i lasted so long with emily is because we were so far apart it didn't feel like we were together, and as time went neither of us put much effort in. i know that with him, continueing this over the school year will turn into a chore. i'm going to be swamped with school work, and i'm looking for a job, and i have a feeling i'll have very little time for him. i'm already iffy about making time for him, prefering to be at home doing what i want than with him.

which shows just how much i feel for him right there...

i don't want to hurt him, and that's the main reason i'm reluctant to end this. but i can't please everyone. it's a really bad habit of mine, that i try so hard to make everyone happy. because it just doesn't work.

i need to end this before it gets more serious. i feel like i've grown with this, but i... just don't know. he's clingy, and i'm starting to really not like that. he's pushing the physical too... and it's just gotten to the point where i'm at the edge of my comfort level. i'm terrified of it progressing further, and i have no idea why.

he's clingy, and he said it himself, like a dog. the affection is nice and all, but i'm feeling a bit suffocated.

i just talked to jo a bit, and she helped me make up my mind. i have to do it, before it gets too out of hand and then i leave. i'm seeing him later tonight. i have to do it. i'm already nervous and terrified.

it's going to crush him. and i'm going to feel horrible.

but i have to do it.

even if i'm just running away.