second thoughts...

so, this brief camping thing was eye-opening for me. for the first time in quite awhile, christian and i were truly apart... because of the sucky cell service. and i hardly thought about him.

now, with the impending separation, i'm thinking about 'us'. i know that his feelings for me greatly exceed mine for him. i'm half convinced he's thoroughly in love with me. and i don't know what to do with that, but that's not really the point right now.

basically, i'm contemplating breaking up.

when he started texting me today, i was annoyed by it. did i so quickly get used to my phone not constantly receiving messages? but i wanted to be left alone.

i don't think i can ever return his feelings equally. i enjoyed this summer, but something in me wants this to stay a summer thing. and i know that will break his heart. i don't really do 'long term' anything. i think the main reason i lasted so long with emily is because we were so far apart it didn't feel like we were together, and as time went neither of us put much effort in. i know that with him, continueing this over the school year will turn into a chore. i'm going to be swamped with school work, and i'm looking for a job, and i have a feeling i'll have very little time for him. i'm already iffy about making time for him, prefering to be at home doing what i want than with him.

which shows just how much i feel for him right there...

i don't want to hurt him, and that's the main reason i'm reluctant to end this. but i can't please everyone. it's a really bad habit of mine, that i try so hard to make everyone happy. because it just doesn't work.

i need to end this before it gets more serious. i feel like i've grown with this, but i... just don't know. he's clingy, and i'm starting to really not like that. he's pushing the physical too... and it's just gotten to the point where i'm at the edge of my comfort level. i'm terrified of it progressing further, and i have no idea why.

he's clingy, and he said it himself, like a dog. the affection is nice and all, but i'm feeling a bit suffocated.

i just talked to jo a bit, and she helped me make up my mind. i have to do it, before it gets too out of hand and then i leave. i'm seeing him later tonight. i have to do it. i'm already nervous and terrified.

it's going to crush him. and i'm going to feel horrible.

but i have to do it.

even if i'm just running away.