10 September 2010

body image

Gosh, body image is such a weird thing for me.

Yasha will often tell me, "You do know you're good looking, right?" Probably because I don't ever do anything to acknowledge my body and would rather cover it up than wear shorts.

But today I kinda realized something about that.

I was at Lowes getting steel rod for my loom. A sales guy asks me if I need any help, and I say, "Yea, I'm looking for steel rods, smooth ones." And he says something about bludgeoning people with it. And it occurs to me that he might be flirting, maybe, or am I just really paranoid about that? Then I say I need something to cut the rod into pieces, and he takes me over to where the hacksaws are, saying something about making a cannon and firing the steel pieces at people, and how it's always the chicks you gotta watch out for.

(Jeez, writing this now I'm seeing how totally fucked up everything he was saying was...)

Anyway, as I was walking back to my apartment, I was thinking about body vs sexuality. I realize my body is skinny aka 'ideal' and I have a pretty face and a flattering haircut and I try to dress neatly, even if it's just a t-shirt and jeans. But because I don't see people as attractive, as something I admire and desire, it confuses me when I notice other people checking me out. I don't do it, I have no desire to, and so I don't really understand why others would. As an artist, I appreciate and admire the human form, but as a person, a woman, it really does nothing for me.

Then again, that still doesn't really explain my semi-fear of anyone hitting on me, and of actually being naked around people I know, ie Yasha. He is still trying to get me to take off my top for him.