11 August 2009


i'm currently sitting on the roof.

it's so nice out!

i'm waiting for the perseoid meteor shower. it's apparently been visible on and off since july, but tonight is the peak. so i'm outside. waiting.

and my internet just went out, but that's okay cuz it doesn't affect current pages. so i'll just have to wait to post this when it comes back.


there's lightning in the east and it smells like rain. i hope it doesn't start to pour while i'm out here...

no thunder yet, so i don't think it's very close.


i'm not sure if i'll be able to see any...

there's so many clouds out tonight. on a clear night i can see a fair number of stars, but tonight i can only see a few of the brightest.

it looks like there's a veil over the sky, thicker in some places than others.


i think i might actually go to bed soon. it doesn't look like i'll be able to see the meteors because of the clouds, and i'm awfully sleepy.

today we went to uncle ba's memorial service. he passed away friday morning, but i'm not sure what exactly was the cause. i know he was recovering from cancer, but then he broke his hip and was moved to a baltimore hospital. poppop didn't think he'd last very long there, he wasn't doing too well. but we went a couple days after being moved.

it's sad, and i know dad is still torn up about it. i think that might be partly why he's still awake right now. which is why i couldn't sneak out of the house and drive to soldiers delight for a [hopefully] better view. though at that point i wasn't counding on the clouds, so i'm not sure how much better that would have been.


the moon looks like it's glowing. it's a waning gibbous tonight, and on the round side i can see the color spectrum - or i could before it went behind some thick clouds... it was really pretty.

there's a streetlight across the street that intermittently turns on and off. right now it's dark. it really is nice out. i think i want to spend some more nights outside like this. i hope it's not too horrible in rva at night. though, then i'd be sitting on our little deck, instead of the roof, since i've got the basement room and we can't really get to our roof by simply removing a window screen. not that the land-people would like us venturing onto the roof...

05 August 2009

done and done

i think i might've made him cry... not in front of me, but he looked like he might.

i feel kinda bad, but at the same time kinda relieved.

he couldn't really believe it. i feel bad, i really do. but now that it's done, my eyebrows are starting to unknit from my guilty/unhappy face. i'm not relaxed, that's for sure.

it needed to be done. i couldn't keep leading him on. i felt like i was faking most of the time, and that really isn't fair to him.

i'll continue to feel bad for a few days. but i think it really was all for the best.

second thoughts...

so, this brief camping thing was eye-opening for me. for the first time in quite awhile, christian and i were truly apart... because of the sucky cell service. and i hardly thought about him.

now, with the impending separation, i'm thinking about 'us'. i know that his feelings for me greatly exceed mine for him. i'm half convinced he's thoroughly in love with me. and i don't know what to do with that, but that's not really the point right now.

basically, i'm contemplating breaking up.

when he started texting me today, i was annoyed by it. did i so quickly get used to my phone not constantly receiving messages? but i wanted to be left alone.

i don't think i can ever return his feelings equally. i enjoyed this summer, but something in me wants this to stay a summer thing. and i know that will break his heart. i don't really do 'long term' anything. i think the main reason i lasted so long with emily is because we were so far apart it didn't feel like we were together, and as time went neither of us put much effort in. i know that with him, continueing this over the school year will turn into a chore. i'm going to be swamped with school work, and i'm looking for a job, and i have a feeling i'll have very little time for him. i'm already iffy about making time for him, prefering to be at home doing what i want than with him.

which shows just how much i feel for him right there...

i don't want to hurt him, and that's the main reason i'm reluctant to end this. but i can't please everyone. it's a really bad habit of mine, that i try so hard to make everyone happy. because it just doesn't work.

i need to end this before it gets more serious. i feel like i've grown with this, but i... just don't know. he's clingy, and i'm starting to really not like that. he's pushing the physical too... and it's just gotten to the point where i'm at the edge of my comfort level. i'm terrified of it progressing further, and i have no idea why.

he's clingy, and he said it himself, like a dog. the affection is nice and all, but i'm feeling a bit suffocated.

i just talked to jo a bit, and she helped me make up my mind. i have to do it, before it gets too out of hand and then i leave. i'm seeing him later tonight. i have to do it. i'm already nervous and terrified.

it's going to crush him. and i'm going to feel horrible.

but i have to do it.

even if i'm just running away.